So if you've been paying attention to the blister saga which is half as rapt as the attention I've been paying, you will be as confused as I am that the thing miraculously healed overnight yesterday. It had been getting steadily better, and the clear fluid had drained out of it, leaving an off-green cottage cheese-like emulsion of pus, slime and dead bacteria trapped beneath the skin.

Anyway, today, it has all magically disappeared. I have no idea where it went, since it seemed pretty clear to me my body had no interest in sucking it back up again. Maybe the Pus Fairy took it. I was watching this thing last night before I went to sleep, so, who knows, maybe Jesus did it. It's a miracle!

Of course I had an appointment to see the nurse at 11:30 today to get it lanced, so what this post boils down to is THANK YOU JESUS FOR WASTING THE NHS'S TIME (imagine like a big JPG-distorted image of a smiling jesus from a horrible american children's book holding like a child and a lamb and gurning all over the place and that caption over it in flashing comic sans or something, I am on my phone, but use your imagination).

Hey I think I have discovered a loophole that means I will never need to open Photoshop again

This entry was originally posted at http://firefly99.dreamwidth.org/660743.html, but you are completely welcome to comment here if you like! There are comment count unavailable comments there and you can join the conversation using your DW account or OpenID.

The LiveJournal Book Of The Dead


1 They laid LiveJournal in an open coffin, face made up as in life, scented with spices. An Orthodox cross was carved into his headstone. His flower display was wired-and-foamed into the shape of a furry with an erection, as he would have wanted if he had been alive.

2 Facebook and Twitter wore blue stripes in memory of him. Tumblr, ever the manic pixie dream girl, dyed her hair blue in the bathroom sink, and piled it atop her head. Dreamwidth, to stand away from him, wore red, and Plurk, less connected to him than others, wore the same orange and green hijab as usual. I wore old unfashionable jeans and a men's Metal Gear Solid tshirt because I could not believe he was gone so soon.

3 'hey, baby', Twitter verbally sexted as he saw me. He grabbed me, kissed me like that photo of the soldier and nurse. 'just call LiveJournal elenor rigby because at this funeral nobody came yet THOUGH NOT FOR LONG I GUESS' He caressed my fingers, nibbled at my neck. He wasn't the only one - reddit and imgur were practically sticking their whole heads down into each others's stomachs, although in a totally straight way because who can deal with women. It's not their fault they don't care. Making yourself care is hard work.

4 Remember when people used to play fandom games together? Games of participation and community? With you gone it's become a game of who can shout the loudest over a million people shouting, a game that is basically a roulette. Many a flower is destined to blush unseen, and waste its perfume on the desert air.

5 And remember when you could learn things about people's lives because you were both interested in the same things? Where Plurk created a land of perpetual secrecy and names that shift like sand, you gave completeness, wholeness, a platform for both enthusiasm and for solo reflection.

6 Comment-pride feels healthier than reblog pride. 12 comments are the seed of twelve discussions, a sign twelve people cared enough to caress your thoughts with theirs. But 120 notes just feels bad for you, a calorie label empty of nutrients, worth of throwing up in the toilet to purge. Such attention is never enough, and never deserved, as the content was not your own and not transformative.

7 How can you be famous in a collaborative universe? Social worlds, forums and communities, create obscurity. Blogging platforms, microblogging platforms, create fame. The purpose of Tumblr is merely to trade time for non-content, all collaboration selfish.

8 Some people say Facebook killed him. Others say it was Tumblr. Still others say the Russian gangsters put a bullet in the back of his neck. A few say old age. But it was none of those things - it was thinspo; desperate lunging to be more like the others at the expense of whose who loved it. But Dreamwidth is barely alive, as it is not moving with the times.

9 He was there for me all my high school, all my sixth form college, all my university years, and yet if I could have him back as he was, I would not care any more. This is because I am depressed, which is medical-speak for 'self centred'.

10 Note also I declare myself the arbiter of what is alive. After all, LiveJournal's body still festers away. It is riddled with decomposition, which creeps, and worms, which are alive. His library, his great contribution, is maintained, which is a kind of life. But I wrote down all of my thoughts and feelings for eleven years and no matter how much of yourself you write down into a book, it can never become you.

11 I passed 4chan on the way out. He, too, dressed in blue, but carried a homophobic sign, picketing the funeral. I rolled my eyes and walked past, and continued crying about what a wonderful thing it is that we have all lost. But those wonderful things still continue. I am just too stupid to work out how to get to them, or to make them mean to me what they once meant.

Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools. Say not, "Why were the former days better than these?" For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.

(Ecclesiastes 7:8 - 10)

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Mar. 13th, 2013


The thing I miss about myself the most from a year ago was that I actually gave a rancid steaming crap about some things, even if they were fandom timesinks rather than anything of value. But for the last six months, I haven't been caring about anything at all, and that's why I've been popping St John's Wort like it's candy.

Am I depressed? Am I recovering from depression? I honestly don't know any more. Right now, feeling like I am recovering, it feels to me that it is like one of those disturbing, vivid dreams you have which alter your perception of reality. I had one of those pretty recently - I dreamt I was a tiny shrimp living on the ocean floor, experiencing the world like a shrimp would, with no higher thoughts. I feel the same way about myself now that I did about myself then. Everything is just terrible.

Anyway, permanent change or otherwise, here are some things that are not terrible:

1) I AM FLYING TO BOSTON ON THE 19TH. AAAAAAAAH

2) On Friday I am going down to the district nurse to have my blister [WARNING - HORRIBLE GIFS OF A RANCID PUS-FILLED SKIN NODULE] stabbed to a deserved death. Right now, I am wearing a pair of geta-style sandals I brought on a whim from Taobao, because they're the only shoes I own that don't cover the thing. My mother hates them and has insulted my taste many times.

This entry was originally posted at http://firefly99.dreamwidth.org/660077.html, but you are completely welcome to comment here if you like! There are comment count unavailable comments there and you can join the conversation using your DW account or OpenID.

Feb. 18th, 2013




AU where Terezi is the bassist for an influential 1970s punk band who is introduced to a Faygo addiction by a glamorous hateclown fanboy, and together they spiral down into substance abuse and murder.

This entry was originally posted at http://firefly99.dreamwidth.org/659275.html, but you are completely welcome to comment here if you like! There are comment count unavailable comments there and you can join the conversation using your DW account or OpenID.

Feb. 11th, 2013


SO I'VE BEEN READING SOME DOCTOR WHO META AND GETTING MY RAGE MUSCLE ALL ANGER FLEXED. YOU'D BETTER CHECK OUT THESE FURY GUNS BECAUSE DAMN, I AM HATERIPPED.

cut for huge tumblr table copypastey, and rantingCollapse )

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Feb. 10th, 2013


[00:20:28] Rich: I quite liked "Zolom National Park"
[00:20:37] Rich: Seeing as it's just a glorified swamp
[00:20:39] fireholly99: i love everything else about the sign, for real.
[00:20:43] Rich: in a world where the environment has gone to shit
[00:20:50] fireholly99: it is SO SHINRA to call it a national park
[00:20:58] fireholly99: i hate to imagine what they think of the Ancient Forest as
[00:21:12] Rich: an opportunity? :P
[00:21:21] fireholly99: actually GOOD QUESTION
[00:21:40] fireholly99: why didn't they exploit the Ancient Forest? i mean other than the fact it's obviously a tacked on area to fill up disc space
[00:21:59] fireholly99: i think it was added in the international version or something?
[00:22:11] fireholly99: which is why no-one ever mentions it
[00:22:54] fireholly99: i shall believe the first reactor crews just got swallowed up by huge carnivorous plants and no-one wanted to go there again
[00:23:16] fireholly99: either that or they ran out of frogs
[00:23:16] Rich: ha
[00:23:30] Rich: the other bits and bobs I'm going to try and do tonight
[00:23:35] Rich: Sector 7 Memorial Park plate
[00:23:39] fireholly99: which raises another question. why is it ethical to have a game about the environment which encourages you to stuff innocent frogs into plants?
[00:24:00] fireholly99: there ARE killer frogs in FF7 and those aren't it
[00:24:09] fireholly99: I NEED TO GO TO BED WHY AM I AWAKE

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A poem


I am writing you a little piece of crummy poetry
To express how I am sick of playing Final Fantasy III.
I've been playing it since back in Jul-ee,
With the hope of analysing it quite interestingly,
And seeing it in context of later Final Fantasy,
But it has been a slogfest of maximum shittery.
And I have many better things that I can do, frank-lee.
I find the game quite bland and boring, tenuous and twee,
I like some of the characters but Luneth annoys me,
FFII was worse but had more interest I could see,
My emulator plays it but all kind of stuttery,
And frankly I'm as fed up with it as a girl can be.

Despite this I will not let myself from my misery,
I'm too far in to stop playing, engage in quittery,
And to give up at Eureka would make me feel guilty,
But I must admit that I do not like Final Fantasy III.

This entry was originally posted at http://firefly99.dreamwidth.org/658649.html, but you are completely welcome to comment here if you like! There are comment count unavailable comments there and you can join the conversation using your DW account or OpenID.

ESTA form


I don't understand the purpose of the questions on my ESTA form.

What would I have said if I WAS planning on going to the US to engage in 'immoral activity'? Or what if I WAS a convicted Nazi?

"Yes". OH DAMN EVERYTHING, NOW I CAN'T GO TO AMERICA.





For the slow amongst my four readers: yes, I am going to America. Specifically, Boston, with a weekend in New York. I'll be at PAX East. You can say hi if you want!

This entry was originally posted at http://firefly99.dreamwidth.org/658313.html, but you are completely welcome to comment here if you like! There are comment count unavailable comments there and you can join the conversation using your DW account or OpenID.

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real life and bullshit


Okay, quick rundown as to where I currently exist as a quirky but not outlandishly so bead on this awful piece of string we call the flow of time, itself which we call life:

  • I needed money after Christmas, so I signed on (started applying for benefits). All was great at first. I was told I'd be given ~ > £60 a week, and given some rather threatening letters about 'Mandatory Work Placement Activity' (although my advisor said it was nothing to worry about and not as bad as it sounds). Yes, that is the 'workfare' thing Twitter told you was happening. Yes, it is, at the very least, dubious.

  • The rule of Job Seeker's Allowance is that you must apply for five jobs a week. It does not matter if there aren't five jobs in your area that you're qualified for. Or that you can't do. It doesn't matter if the recent overhaul of the government's job listings to make it ~~more intuitive~~ makes it easier to scam people and has extremely poorly-explained laws surrounding it that the JSA advisors themselves do not know. You must apply for five jobs per week or have your benefits stopped.

  • During this week, I (at badgering for my mother) went into a local recording studio to ask for a job. This was mortifyingly embarrassing and I was soundly prepared to get a raised middle finger shoved in my direction, but miraculously the guy (I will call him G) liked me, and offered me an internship - unpaid as he was an extremely small business, although with hope to expand in the future. He also wanted me to continue getting my benefits, so we spent a lot of time and forms setting it up with the Job Centre Plus so that it counted as a Work Experience Placement. I get a dream job and still get money! Wahey!

    Unfortunately, being a vapid turd kernel who always assumed the rules didn't apply to me due to me not understanding them, I assumed that the job I HAD got counted as job seeking (as it was training my skills, which I needed to get a job since no-one was employing me - too degreed and middle-class for shitwork, too inexperienced for anything else (including shitwork - seriously, most demanding job market of all time)).

    So I ended up applying for only two jobs. My benefits were promptly stopped. Wahell!

  • I head back down to the JCP after two weeks to fill in a terrifying amount of paperwork allowing me to receive benefits again once they were done punishing me. During this period I rapidly became aware my advisor had literally no idea about anything that had gone on which I had explained to other JCP employees.

  • This time, I do send off my five applications. They go as well as you'd expect. I do, however, get an interview in a position at the local temp agency. They rather like me, and are impressed by my apparently exceptional typing velocity! But I'm told I have to work 9 to 5, and I, thinking of the job at the studio, selfishly say 'nope'. I'm put on for temp work anyway and they promise to find me something.

  • I come in again for a weekly appointment. My advisor again has no idea what went on with me at all, but he does take a look at my log book in which I have diligently recorded all of the fabulous opportunities I have been arbitrarily flinging myself at.

    "You haven't had much luck with your interview."

    "Nope."

    "What happened?"

    (The truth) "They liked me, but I had a problem with the hours."

    "What was the problem?"

    "They clashed with my work experience placement."

    Another advisor glided in at this point on their swivel chair, like a man-o-war.

    "You have to be willing to give up your work experience placement," she said. "Otherwise we can't give you benefits."

    "I understand," I say, "but this is the only path into doing what I actually want to be doing in long term for real. I don't want to be an accountant. I'm trained as a music technician. I'm willing to work a day job for now and in fact I'm eager to, but I really need to continue with my music."

    "We'll talk about it later when you come back for your next appointment," she says, and like a bad conversation with my imaginary boyfriend I know then this relationship is not going to work out.

  • I sign off, telling them I can no longer seek full-time work! Woo, not having to put up with jobshit! Boo, no money. Meh, I wasn't receiving any money anyway. Huh, did I perhaps not deserve it? Ehh, probably not. I wasn't fulfilling the rules, which are there for good reasons. Write pitches, get mon£y. Them's the br£aks.

    But beyond me being a nettle sting in the pulsating anus of the rules, there were other things about the experience that was just murderous. Like the JCP thinking they'd sent me things they hadn't. And telling me they'd send me things and then not doing it. And passing it on to someone who thought I already had the things.

    And the red tape strung everywhere like police caution tape. And how a system designed to get me into work is really just designed to bully you into getting off the system and mooching off your family rather than actually finding work.

    Everything was my fault, but not those things. So I don't feel bad about it.


  • tl;dr With all of this drama at the JCP, it's kind of hard being Fire-H-O-double-L-eee. So I, somehow, someway, must come up with some money making scheme every single day.




  • Just read this story about the benefits system by Ursula K. Le Guin. Don't cast me as some poor hard-working victim here, since I just told you I'm not, I'm a dick who shouldn't even be here, but I can't say I didn't feel some of the frustration and lunacy this parable attempts to explain.

    This entry was originally posted at http://firefly99.dreamwidth.org/658143.html, but you are completely welcome to comment here if you like! There are comment count unavailable comments there and you can join the conversation using your DW account or OpenID.
  • Jan. 30th, 2013


    Hi, everylovelies. I'm back.

    Things have finally improved in my life. I now have a SORT OF JOB as an INTERN STUDIO ENGINEER and it is AS COOL AS ALL HELL. I'm learning loads and while I'm still shaking off the last fog of my depression, I actually feel like there's a point to my being on the planet now, mostly.



    I also want to curl up with everyone and talk about Final Fantasy VII a lot.

    That aside, how has everyone been? Just tell me what's been going on with your lives.

    This entry was originally posted at http://firefly99.dreamwidth.org/657857.html, but you are completely welcome to comment here if you like! There are comment count unavailable comments there and you can join the conversation using your DW account or OpenID.

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